I have to say that I am not a fan of Spam. Not the tinned variety, not the stuff that comes through my letter box or email, nor the assorted gubbins that is collected on my behalf by WordPress. I thank them profusely for saving me from loads of inane and useless guff. Sometimes inane and senseless rude guff.
I have no desire to enlarge various items of my (often non-existent) anatomy, nor to purchase limitless amounts of trivial and idiotic items for my car/garage/workshop/wardrobe/make up drawer (drawer – make-up fits into the inside pocket of my handbag!). Far be it from me to suggest that people should have better things to do with their time than to gum up my inbox – I’d be a fine one to talk since I can waste a day or two with no problem – but my time-wasting is of a far better quality.
I wander delightedly amongst the blogs, collecting the buttercups of life. I devour on-line encyclopedias, seek out writing advice from the best authorities and chat effortlessly with new-found friends on social media. My procrastination culminates in tea, biscuits and a chatty phone call with a friend, or lunch with group of them.
I do not spend my time suggesting someone attach heavy weights to their appendages or buys the very latest in flat vacuum cleaners to extract the boiled egg from underneath the fridge. Why should there be boiled egg beneath my fridge anyway? As far as I am aware, no one lives under there and the last time I cooked a boiled egg was in 1983.
I do not require a four-wheeled wheelbarrow, a pebble-dashed front to my house or any specially priced tickets to see Nocturnal Ninjas meet the Loan Ranger on Speed. I have no need to take advantage of an over-21 identity card in order that I may buy alcohol at my local hostelry, nor do I require a Stana Stair Lift – not least because I live in a bungalow. And when one day (hopefully a long way off) I reach the stage of needing a hoist for my bath, I hope I will not yet be a such a state of dotage that I cannot let my fingers walk over the keyboard to poke the words ‘bath’ and ‘hoist’ into Google.
In short, if I want to buy something, I am able to find out from whom and where to purchase it. I do not want Spam charging through my front door or invading my telephone – can anyone tell me what use is Telephone Preference? No one seems to pay any attention to it.
Cold callers will get their butts frozen off on my doorstep and I have a strong desire to set fire to the junk mail we receive on Thursdays. Our postman saves it up for us. The recycle bin is emptied on Thursdays, so it can all go straight inside to begin the filling process again. Much of it goes straight from doormat to bin, unread. And if that isn’t a waste of trees, I don’t know what is.
But sometimes, just sometimes, the spam is mildly amusing and even flattering in a weird way. For instance, I received this recently:
Pretty section of content. I just stumbled upon your weblog and in accession capital to assert that I get in fact enjoyed account your blog posts. Anyway I will be subscribing to your augment and even I achievement you access consistently rapidly.
Charming isn’t it? Like something Lewis Carroll didn’t write. Shame it came from somewhere more Spammerwocky than Jabberwocky.
But at least it ended up in the WordPress spam and not my recycle bin.