Confused? You are not alone….

I have decided that I may be old. Decrepit before my time. Out of touch with society. Out of date. And I’m not sure whether I should be worried about it. Or mightily relieved that I don’t feel the need to keep up with current fashion and fads.

I’m not big on the celebrity culture. In fact, that could be said to be a huge understatement. I never know who anybody is. It’s not that I’m not interested – well, OK, it is: I’m not that interested – but I also seem to have the sort of brain that doesn’t retain any of the celeb hooha.

I confess that I have no idea who married whom in the autumn of 2012, who had whose baby during 2011 and who is likely to split from a marriage of three and a half seconds any time now. If the television spouted these things to me or a newspaper splashed such headlines, I may have seen them, but they don’t stick.

I do, however, wander around the web a lot, collecting snippets of interesting news that does stick and occasionally I am led by the nose to a site which leads me to believe that a small part of the human race may have lost its marbles. I cite the following site (yes, that little rhyme was deliberate. It appealed to me): Its tag line is ‘gossip without the guilt’ and if you click that link you will go straight to bang up to date info on the latest happenings in the celebrity world, which may or may not appeal to you. That was not my route in. I found my way to this alternative universe because I was writing a short story of chicklit-ish themes, where one of my characters was feeling miserable – I wanted her friend to give her a beauty treat to cheer her up and to choose the treatment and get my facts straight, I took a look at some beauty salons. At that point, I came across a term which I did not really understand. I’d heard the expression vagazzled, but I wasn’t sure I had the right idea about what it was, so I looked it up on Google.

I am now educated in the ways of the modern world. And I think it has gone bonkers.

Apparently, Jennifer Love Hewitt (no, no idea who she is) was feeling very miserable back in 2010 after a broken love affair, so she allowed a friend to vagazzle her. This involved crystals and other gems being stuck on, as Sarah Millican would say (yes, I do know who she is, very funny lady) ‘her downstairs area’. Jennifer thought it was a great idea.

“It really helped me. It looks like a little disco ball down there it’s great. Really.”

No need of anti-depressants, walks in the sunshine, crying on a best friend’s shoulder, no, no. Just the application of jewellery to an area which presumably, as she was sans boyfriend, nobody was about to see. And I seem to have missed out, because this is now all the rage and on the menu at many beauty shops in the Western world. I bought a voucher for a friend at Christmas: I wonder if I dare ask if she had a vagazzling?

Now, apart from making me wince at the thought of getting my bits out at a beauty salon, then laugh, then wince again at the thought of them coming off, I also pondered on where the jewels might go if they popped off when you weren’t looking, so to speak….

It’s common for me to spend my days at the computer in a pair of disreputable jeans and a white T-shirt. I sometimes include the beige cardigan – especially at the moment: it’s cold. Or even wear pyjama bottoms. I’m somewhat scruffy, but very clean, showering every day at least once and my hair is always shiny and bouncy and I wear make up so as not to scare the postman when he comes. But – I am confused: am I unusual? Unknown to me, are all my friends sporting little gems in funny places? Are you reading this whilst glittering quietly in the downstairs area? (I am indebted to Sarah Millican for this wonderfully explicit expression). Do men dress up down below or is it just (crazy) ladies?

Do tell. Obviously my education has been sadly lacking and I must try to do more to stay up to date and keep abreast of things. Oh Good Grief: and are they supposed to be bejeweled as well?


26 responses to “Confused? You are not alone….

  1. Some body parts, especially those with mucosal linings, were never meant to sport jewelry. (My two cents–as a healthcare professional, a woman, and a sane individual…)

    Funny post, Pat!

  2. Pat. You ought to sit down. You have had a terrible shock.
    Don’t Google random words ever again – it’s not good for you.
    Not at your age.
    (And don’t look up the word pejazzle, either.)

  3. As a man I probably have no business dropping a comment here but . . . my chin actually hit the desk as I read your entry. I have never heard of this and can’t really believe someone with all their mental faculties would ever do this. And, not only are they doing it but thinking it causes a physical reaction other than pain for the subject of the act or laughter from anyone else in the room. Surly we’ve all come to the end of civilization when we start sticking shiny things on our junk. 😯

    • I do hope vagazelling is not signifying the end of civilisation – although I agree it is bizarre at the least and probably deviant although I suppose piercing is even worse – but I think Ms Millican’s ‘downstairs area’ is nicer than ‘on our junk’!!

  4. What a comfort to find something that all sane people are agreed on – apparently…
    This was a bedazzling piece, Pat

    • The world gets weirder and weirder – walking down the street seeing well dressed girls, I can’t help but wonder….
      Glad you enjoyed it. Thank you. 🙂

  5. Well Pat, you did it! What I thought couldn’t be done. You shocked me. And in this day & age that IS hard to do! Nope, never heard of that before. I gotta tell you though, you have me and my daughter rolling in laughter. As usual Pat great post!

  6. Well next time I’m tidying up my daughter’s box of beads and sparkly bits I can grab a few a give this a go! And as you are now an expect Pat, could you tell me if I would need a Pritt stick? 😉

  7. In response to Carolyn Hughes – I think you would be better with some fake eyelash glue. Not that I know, I’m just guessing. I’ve known about this strange behaviour for a while and can only assume it was created by someone who was bored one day, and whilst sticking little shiny things intended for card making to their foreheads (come on, we’ve all done it) decided to see where else they would ‘stick’. I’m all for keeping downstairs neat and tidy and I love things that sparkle, but I wouldn’t dream of combining the two. I mean, what happens when they fall off and go ‘somewhere’ that they were never intended to go? It’s got to be uncomfortable, right?

    • I am not at all sure they were intended to go ‘there’ either!
      And I say again, please do not glue yourself together – it could make a nasty mess – and eyelash glue is stronger than Pritt stick.
      I seem to have caused another problem here…. 🙂

  8. Well, I have learned something shockingly new this year. I’ll not be wearing jeans until I can forget that image and get the terribly visceral pain response out of my mind.

    This really sounds more like something a mommy-blogger would share that she discovered her kid did. That they decided to glue beads to their body. It just sounds like kid logic, aside from where these women are putting them.

    • Yes, kid logic. Except kids would probably shove them up their noses, rather than down there. Very odd. And is making me look at well dressed girls very differently….

  9. I just laughed myself to the point of tears. Awesome post, and no, you’re not old, you just missed jumping onto the bandwagon to Loony Land. And that’s a good thing! 🙂

    • Glad to make you laugh – and to cry as well! Thank you for reading and commenting. I have to say it sounds like one of the weirder things that goes on in the piece of the world I do not understand. Like Piercing bit of anatomy….. but I don’t think I will go there….

  10. Heh! Posted a link to some friends…

  11. I laughed so much I nearly choked reading this. I had no idea people did this! Good grief – too weird for words! 😀

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