Confused? You are not alone….

I have decided that I may be old. Decrepit before my time. Out of touch with society. Out of date. And I’m not sure whether I should be worried about it. Or mightily relieved that I don’t feel the need to keep up with current fashion and fads.

I’m not big on the celebrity culture. In fact, that could be said to be a huge understatement. I never know who anybody is. It’s not that I’m not interested – well, OK, it is: I’m not that interested – but I also seem to have the sort of brain that doesn’t retain any of the celeb hooha.

I confess that I have no idea who married whom in the autumn of 2012, who had whose baby during 2011 and who is likely to split from a marriage of three and a half seconds any time now. If the television spouted these things to me or a newspaper splashed such headlines, I may have seen them, but they don’t stick.

I do, however, wander around the web a lot, collecting snippets of interesting news that does stick and occasionally I am led by the nose to a site which leads me to believe that a small part of the human race may have lost its marbles. I cite the following site (yes, that little rhyme was deliberate. It appealed to me):  http://www.imnotobsessed.com/. Its tag line is ‘gossip without the guilt’ and if you click that link you will go straight to bang up to date info on the latest happenings in the celebrity world, which may or may not appeal to you. That was not my route in. I found my way to this alternative universe because I was writing a short story of chicklit-ish themes, where one of my characters was feeling miserable – I wanted her friend to give her a beauty treat to cheer her up and to choose the treatment and get my facts straight, I took a look at some beauty salons. At that point, I came across a term which I did not really understand. I’d heard the expression vagazzled, but I wasn’t sure I had the right idea about what it was, so I looked it up on Google.

I am now educated in the ways of the modern world. And I think it has gone bonkers.

Apparently, Jennifer Love Hewitt (no, no idea who she is) was feeling very miserable back in 2010 after a broken love affair, so she allowed a friend to vagazzle her. This involved crystals and other gems being stuck on, as Sarah Millican would say (yes, I do know who she is, very funny lady) ‘her downstairs area’. Jennifer thought it was a great idea.

“It really helped me. It looks like a little disco ball down there it’s great. Really.”

No need of anti-depressants, walks in the sunshine, crying on a best friend’s shoulder, no, no. Just the application of jewellery to an area which presumably, as she was sans boyfriend, nobody was about to see. And I seem to have missed out, because this is now all the rage and on the menu at many beauty shops in the Western world. I bought a voucher for a friend at Christmas: I wonder if I dare ask if she had a vagazzling?

Now, apart from making me wince at the thought of getting my bits out at a beauty salon, then laugh, then wince again at the thought of them coming off, I also pondered on where the jewels might go if they popped off when you weren’t looking, so to speak….

It’s common for me to spend my days at the computer in a pair of disreputable jeans and a white T-shirt. I sometimes include the beige cardigan – especially at the moment: it’s cold. Or even wear pyjama bottoms. I’m somewhat scruffy, but very clean, showering every day at least once and my hair is always shiny and bouncy and I wear make up so as not to scare the postman when he comes. But – I am confused: am I unusual? Unknown to me, are all my friends sporting little gems in funny places? Are you reading this whilst glittering quietly in the downstairs area? (I am indebted to Sarah Millican for this wonderfully explicit expression). Do men dress up down below or is it just (crazy) ladies?

Do tell. Obviously my education has been sadly lacking and I must try to do more to stay up to date and keep abreast of things. Oh Good Grief: and are they supposed to be bejeweled as well?

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